


smooth as liquor

by toskas



Category: GOT7
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Attempt at Humor, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, aka me trying to keep the fic from spiraling into darkness, gyeom & bam are only mentioned, jackbum are best buds, so are markjae
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-24
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2019-02-06 10:48:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12815910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toskas/pseuds/toskas
Summary: Jaebum tears his gaze away, trying not to think about the image of Youngjae leaning into someone else’s side, smiling brighter than Jaebum was ever able to make him. There’s an aching in his chest as he wonders if he ever truly made Youngjae happy in the first place. He clenches the can of beer in his hand, chugging its contents in hopes to wash away the lump forming in his throat. Youngjae throws his head back, letting out another boisterous laugh, and he's just so beautiful— Jaebum chokes on his drink as Youngjae’s eyes find his own, and Jackson roughly pats his back.or; Jaebum just can't seem to let go of the past and, maybe, neither can Youngjae.





	smooth as liquor

**Author's Note:**

> Happy belated Thanksgiving! 
> 
> This fic is so old, like, Youngjae still had blonde hair when I first started writing this, and I'm just now finishing it.
> 
> Also, this story was inspired by "Cold Heart Killer" by Lia Marie Johnson (which is where I got the title of this fic), and was originally supposed to be a heartbreaker!Youngjae AU but then it turned into... whatever this is lol sorry.

I

 

Within the last two and a half years, if you were to ask the past Im Jaebum about Choi Youngjae, he would have gone on and on about how Youngjae was an _absolute angel_ and _what in the world did he ever do to deserve someone so perfect as his boyfriend?_ He would have gone on and on about all the features he fell in love with — like Youngjae’s loud, yet endearing laughter, or his constantly cheerful attitude, or his passion for music and helping others ( _“I’m gonna be a music therapist!”_ Youngjae had declared once, eyes sparkling with such purity, and Jaebum had never felt so _smitten._ ) At the same time, he would have told you about how he thought Youngjae was _the one._ ( _“I wanna grow old with him,”_ Jaebum had drunkenly confessed once, _“I wanna marry him and start a family of our own, you know? I can’t imagine myself being with anyone else but him.”)_

 

Now, if you were to ask the current Im Jaebum about Choi Youngjae, he would go on and on about how Youngjae was _nothing but manipulative_ and how _everything he said and did was nothing but a lie; a facade._ He would go on and on about all the regrets he had when he fell in love— like allowing himself to put so much trust into Youngjae and spilling his guts; revealing all his darkest secrets that not even his _family_ knew of. ( _“I’ll always be by your side, hyung.”_ Youngjae had declared once, eyes sparkling with such sincerity, and Jaebum had foolishly believed him.) At the same time, he would tell you about how far away his (ex)boyfriend had always felt. ( _“It was as if he wasn’t even really there,”_ Jaebum had bitterly confessed once, _“The more I look back at it, the more I realize it, you know? He could be right there, in my arms, but he would seem so out of reach at the same time. I didn’t know what he was thinking half the time, either. But he could read me like an open book. Hah.”_ )

 

In conclusion: Im Jaebum hates Choi Youngjae.

 

Or, at least, that’s what he tries to convince himself.

 

II

 

“You’ll start shooting lasers from your eyes if you stare any harder,” a voice quips.

 

Jaebum jolts in his seat, notebooks nearly flying off the table at the force. “I am _not_ staring,” he hisses. He steals another glance at the strawberry blonde, though, and Jackson snorts.

 

“Yeah, _totally_ not staring.” The younger sits down beside Jaebum, sighing. “Seriously, hyung. If you're still thirsting after him that mu— _ow,_ what the _fuck!”_

 

“And I am not _thirsting_ after him, either! How could you say that?!”

 

“Okay, okay, I get it! You're obviously _not_ still in love with him or wanna suck his— _hey,_ stop hitting me! Professor, Jaebum is bullying me!!!”

 

III

 

Getting over Choi Youngjae was not, to Jaebum’s utter dismay and frustration, an easy task because:

  1. Youngjae was literally _everywhere_. The two of them were in all the same classes, despite Youngjae being nearly three years younger, and Jaebum curses the other’s intelligence and whoever made their schedules.
  2. They're both within the same circle of friends; so every moment Jaebum thinks he can finally hang out off campus and just _relax,_ Youngjae would suddenly appear out of thin air with that ~~adorable~~ _obnoxious_ smile of his plastered on his face.
  3. Those so-called _friends_ favor Youngjae over Jaebum — can you believe it?! No matter how much Jaebum tries to warn them, they never seem to listen because:
  4. Youngjae still acts so casually around him; sweetly smiling at him as if they never even dated in the first place (as if he didn’t _ruin_ everything), and it makes Jaebum’s skin crawl.



 

IV

 

(“ _I’ve said this before, but, I still don’t understand why you’re so hell-bent on hating him_ ,” Jinyoung says one night, irritated tone interrupting Jaebum’s annual rant about Youngjae.

 

“ _You don’t know—_ ” Jaebum begins, “ _—what happened?_ ” Mark cuts in. His tone is neutral, but even a complete fool can sense the barely-restrained rage bubbling underneath. “ _We know exactly what happened; had to pry it out of Yugyeom after Youngjae hadn't come home for weeks on end—_ ”

 

Jaebum scoffs at the mention of Yugyeom, “ _Oh, that fucking boytoy of his—"_ In the span of a second, Mark is rising from his seat— a dangerous glint in his eyes as he grabs Jaebum by the collar, lifting the other from his own seat as well. Jinyoung doesn't even bother trying to calm the situation, silently watching from the couch. Jaebum can't find it in himself to blame either of them.

 

“ _Don't you dare call him a_ boytoy _,”_ Mark spits out, “ _Youngjae never cheated on you, he never did_ anything _wrong. You’re the one who spiraled out of control, you're the one who ruined it— ruined_ Youngjae _.”_ Jaebum flinches, screwing his eyes shut as Mark raises his fist, and steels himself for a punch.

 

But it doesn't come.

 

Instead he hears Mark let out a shaky breath, and the elder's hands loosening their grip. “ _Is it that you can’t forgive him, or that you can’t forgive yourself?_ ” The words stab Jaebum right in the chest, more painful that any punch would have been. Mark doesn’t even sound angry anymore, and Jaebum thinks he would much rather deal with being beat up than face the defeated expression of his hyung. “ _Youngjae tries so hard to fix mistakes that aren’t even his, Jaebum. Why can’t you just accept the consequences of your own actions?_ ”)

 

V

 

An all-too-familiar laugh breaks his train of thought and Jaebum nearly throws himself out of the window because _of_ _course_ Youngjae would be here. It was Bambam’s party, after all, and the two of them had been friends since high school. Jackson sends him a concerned look before following his line of sight and, “ _Oh_.” Jackson’s eyes soften as he turns back to Jaebum, “You gonna be alright?”

 

Jaebum tears his gaze away, trying not to think about the image of Youngjae leaning into someone else’s side, smiling brighter than Jaebum was ever able to make him. There’s an aching in his chest as he wonders if he ever truly made Youngjae happy in the first place. “I don’t know,” he answers honestly. He clenches the can of beer in his hand, chugging its contents in hopes to wash away the lump forming in his throat. Youngjae throws his head back, letting out another boisterous laugh, and he's just _so beautiful_ — Jaebum chokes on his drink as Youngjae’s eyes find his own, and Jackson roughly pats his back.

 

Youngjae whispers something to the guy holding him, before detaching himself and bounding towards the two elders. “Jackson-hyung, Jaebum-hyung! How are you guys doing?” Jackson immediately launches into conversation, and Jaebum silently sips at another beer, trying to ignore the feeling of Youngjae’s gaze lingering on him. He isn’t sure how much time passes, startling when he feels a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Don't drink too much, okay?” Youngjae murmurs. His voice is too gentle for Jaebum’s comfort, and he wonders if he's already drunk as he catches something akin to grief swirling in Youngjae’s eyes. “Remember all the other times you got shit-faced?” He chuckles ~~forcefully~~ lightly, and Jaebum smiles back uncertainly because, _no_ , he _doesn't_ remember anything at all. But before Jaebum can even open his mouth to say anything, Youngjae is already pulling away. He pauses, hesitance clear in his expression, before giving Jaebum one last smile.

 

“Don’t get hurt hyung, and don’t hurt anyone else.”

 

VI

 

Jaebum isn’t the type to dream often, nor to remember anything whenever he does. But as he falls asleep after the party, he finds himself dreaming vividly of blood staining his hand, sobs muffled behind closed doors, and pressing kisses onto bruises that look frighteningly close to handprints. He wakes up with a start, covered in cold sweat and breathing as if he had just escaped from drowning. Instinctively, Jaebum reaches over towards the other side of the bed, only to end up with a fistful of sheets. _He isn't here anymore, you idiot,_ his mind mocks.

 

It shouldn't be as surprising as it is, really. Not after all this time, not after he's done nothing but push Youngjae farther and farther away. But the wound in his heart, clumsily sewn shut time and time again, still bleeds pathetically. He briefly wonders if it’s the alcohol that’s made his dreams like this, but quickly rules out the possibility. After Youngjae had left, Jaebum felt oddly compelled to do as told, and didn't drink anything more than the previous two beers. _It wasn’t just a dream_ , something inside him says. But he doesn't understand. There’s a sick feeling in his stomach and tear pricking at his eyes and he _doesn't understand._

 

“—hyung? Jaebum-hyung?” Jaebum snaps his eyes open, thinking for a second that he'd finally lost his mind and started hallucinating, before his gaze lands on the phone in his other hand. He doesn't remember dialing anyone, or even picking up his phone in the first place.

 

“Are you okay?” Youngjae’s concerned voice filters through the speaker just as Jaebum’s finger hovers over the ‘end call’ button, and a cowardly part of him wants to just hang up and erase this moment from his memory. But he couldn't, even if he tried.

 

“Did you have another nightmare? Do you want me to go over?” Jaebum freezes. _Another_ nightmare? Has this happened before while they were still together? Or even, after they broke up? “Ah, wait! I shouldn't have said that. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” Youngjae chuckles nervously, “Old habits die hard, I suppose.”

 

There's a long stretch of silence, and it's surprisingly more comforting than awkward. Neither of them speak up or end the call, even with the seconds turning into minutes. Jaebum listens to Youngjae’s soft breaths and the background noise of the night, and feels at peace for the first time in half a year. And, although he'd never admit it, Jaebum smiles fondly at it all.

 

“Yeah, I suppose they do.”

 

VII

 

“It feels so weird to graduate with you when you're three years older than me,” Youngjae teases.

 

“Hey, I took a gap year okay?! And it's not my fault that you're a genius,” Mark argues.

 

“But it _is_ your fault for flunking last year,” Jinyoung quips, suddenly appearing beside the two. He’s dressed in a well-fitted suit, and looks very much like a father as he straightens out Youngjae’s tie. Mark takes a mental picture of the moment as the two smile at each other, regretting leaving his phone behind. “Not everyone can have super brains like the both of you,” he says back. “How does it feel to be back at this place, by the way?”

 

“Nostalgic,” Jinyoung replies, “Sometimes I regret it— graduating early, that is.”

 

“How come?”

 

“I feel like I forced myself to grow up too fast. I passed all the years with flying colors, and never once did I pause long enough to be able to actually _enjoy_ my life,” Jinyoung grips onto his own tie, staring at it with an unreadable expression. “Everyone always tells me I should be proud of my accomplishments, and trust me, I am. But—” He fumbles with his words, tie crumpling in his grip.

 

“But, are you not allowed to want to take things slow as well?” Youngjae says instead, and both Jinyoung and Mark turn to look at him in surprise. “There's nothing wrong with thinking like that at all, you know.” He takes Jinyoung’s hand in his, smoothing the wrinkles of his tie.

 

He steps back, smiling gently at his hyungs, “I think everyone forgets to slow down sometimes, and ends up regretting it. After all, life is only so short, and feeling is so long.”

 

VIII

 

Jaebum watches as the graduates toss their caps high into the air, the sound of cheering and applause invading all his senses. Everything seems to move in slow motion as his eyes search the crowd, not even knowing what he's seeking for, until his gaze finally lands on Youngjae. The younger is, unexpectedly, already looking over, and shoots a small smile. And then, that's it. The caps come raining down, the crowd breaks off into their own small groups, and Jaebum belatedly realizes that he has no one to go to. No one had come to see his graduation.

 

“You didn't throw your cap,” Youngjae says softly, gesturing at the said cap still clutched tightly in Jaebum’s hands. The elder shrugs, “Seems kind of pointless.”

 

“A lot of things do, don't they?” Youngjae waves his own cap, “I think it’s good to let go sometimes, though. Come on, we’ll throw our caps together and make wishes. If we catch them, then our wishes will come true.”

 

“That sounds stupid,” Jaebum scoffs, but is already preparing to throw. Youngjae just grins, counts to three, and then—

 

Jaebum makes a wish as the cap goes flying into the air, and it comes back down right into Youngjae’s hands. “Ah—” Jaebum winces as Youngjae’s cap smacks him atop the head, but catches it in his hands nonetheless. “What does this mean for our wishes, then?” Jaebum asks.

 

Youngjae’s grin stretches wider, eyes turning into little crescents. “Hm, who knows?”

 

IX

 

“Jaebum.” Mark stands in the doorway, staring the other down with a blank expression.

 

“Mark.” The name still tastes bitter on Jaebum’s tongue, but it's more regret than any ill emotions towards the elder. After all, Mark had done nothing but want to protect Youngjae.

 

“Coco.” And, speak of the devil. Youngjae literally pops up, somehow having slid right in between the two of them. “See? I can stand here and call out names too. But that isn't going to get us anywhere, now is it?” Youngjae puts a hand on Jaebum’s chest, who prays that the younger doesn't feel the way it pounds under his touch. “I invited Jaebum-hyung here as a guest. Can you at least _try_ to get along with him?”

 

Mark sighs, unable to ever deny Youngjae of anything. “Fine. But you're too kind for you own good, ‘Jae. And you—” he points at his eyes, and then to Jaebum, “I'm watching you.” Jaebum stifles a laugh at the gesture, and nods as solemnly as he can manage. Youngjae just rolls his eyes, nudging Mark away and inviting Jaebum in.

 

“Okay everyone, now let's get the _real_ party started!”

 

X

 

Jaebum hisses as Youngjae presses an ice pack against his bruised cheek, not having the energy to even pretend to be offended as the younger openly laughs at him. “I seriously can't believe you managed to punch yourself in the face.”

 

“In my defense, Bambam purposely bumped into me. I’m pretty sure everyone there was conspiring against me.”

 

Youngjae snorts, “Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if they were. Does it hurt a lot, though? Do you need any ointment for when you head home?”

 

“Hm, it's nothing I can’t handle,” Jaebum pauses, biting his tongue. “It’s nothing compared to the pain I put you through.”

 

The air instantly stills at his words, and Youngjae stares back with wide eyes and mouth parted in a small “o” And they stay like that, looking into each other eyes for who-knows-how-long before Youngjae finally breaks the silence. “When?” he asks, and Jaebum raises in eyebrow in question. “When did you remember?”

 

“Oh,” Jaebum shifts, directing his gaze elsewhere, “Since a couple month ago, I guess. I didn't realize it at first but, I kept having the same dream over and over, every night, as if my brain was trying to force me to understand— whatever the hell there was to understand and…” He looks back at Youngjae, who’s watching him with a tender expression, and it makes Jaebum suddenly aware of how vulnerable he feels. “And then I finally pieced it all together.”

 

“And now?” Youngjae prompts.

 

“And now… I really don't know how to approach it. What I’ve done to you is inexcusable and I don't know how you don't hate me right now.”

 

“Hyung, I can forgive you. If you just apologize—”

 

“But that's the thing! I don't _want_ to apologize. I’m sorry, of course I am, but— I don't want to ask for your forgiveness because I don't _deserve_ it. I don't deserve to make amends, I don't deserve to continue being by your side and be a part of your life when I’ve put you through hell and back.” Jaebum inhales shakily, mustering up the guts to hold Youngjae by the arms, but his touch is barely there— scared.

 

“And you don't have to forgive people just because they apologize, Youngjae. That's not a right that they deserve.”

 

XI

 

“Im Jaebum? Doctor Choi is ready to see you,” the nurse smiles as Jaebum rises from his seat. “Down that hallway, second door on your left.” Jaebum nods following the directions, fumbling a bit when he tries to open the door, hands covered in a sheer layer of sweat that he can't seem to wipe off.

 

“Jaebum-hyung, what a surprise.” Jaebum’s head snaps up— he'd recognize that voice anywhere, even after all these years. “You knew I was your patient?” Jaebum says weakly, more of question that a statement. Youngjae just smiles apologetically, “Let’s start out session, shall we?”

 

XII

 

“You know, I totally forgot that you took Music Therapy in college.”

 

“I see you're still a bad liar,” Youngjae plays a quiet melody on the piano, and it sounds oddly familiar despite being a freestyle. “How have the nightmares been?”

 

“As good as nightmares can be, I suppose. They’ve been happening less frequently, thanks to the playlist you gave me.”

 

“And when they do happen?”

 

“Your playlist helps me fall back asleep, as well. And I don't get another nightmare afterwards.”

 

“That’s good, you're making much more progress than I thought you would,” the piano increases in volume in the slightest, barely noticeable unless you're looking for the change. “All we’ve focused so far is getting the nightmares to stop, but I think it would be better to address the root of it all, rather than just trying to get rid of it and hope it doesn't come back.”

 

“I don't want to talk about it.”

 

“That's okay.”

 

“Shouldn't you understand already, anyways?”

 

“It’s impossible for people to truly understand each other, no matter how much we think we know. Humans are complex beings, and sometimes one does not even understand themselves.” Youngjae presses the wrong key, the sour note interrupting the flow, but Youngjae keeps on playing without a second thought.

 

“I've already forgiven you, Jaebum. The main issue, I think, is that you can't forgive yourself.”

 

XIII

 

“What did you wish for, by the way? When we threw our caps in the air?”

 

“If I tell you, then it won't come true.”

 

Youngjae rolls his eyes, “Well, mine already came true.”

 

“Did it?”

 

“Mhm.”

 

“What did you wish for?”

 

“I wished for us to meet again.”

 

XIV

 

“I almost cried when I discovered that you had moved away, and without so much as even a whisper in the wind.”

 

“You shouldn't have.”

 

“Why did you do it? Move away, that is.”

 

“To escape.”

 

“From?”

 

“From the city, the people, the memories,” Jaebum stares at Youngjae’s hands moving across the keys, refusing to meet the younger’s eyes. “From myself, maybe. Most likely.”

 

“...I see.”

 

XV

 

“You seem haggard, didn't sleep?”

 

“That bad, huh?”

 

“Hm, the nightmares?”

 

“Not this time.”

 

“Then what?”

 

“Guilt.”

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Jaebum frowns, “I won't apologize.”

 

Youngjae smiles, “That's okay.”

 

XVI

 

“I still love you.”

 

XVII

 

“This is our last session.”

 

“Indeed.”

 

“You never gave me a response to what I said before.”

 

“That you still love me?”

 

“...Yeah.”

 

Youngjae finally stops playing the piano, hands left hovering above the keys. “What do you want me to say?”

 

“I don't know.”

 

“I don't love you anymore, at least not like that. I don't think I ever can again. But I still _love you,_ Jaebum-hyung. I still care about you, and I always will.”

 

“I know.”

 

“So, what do you want to do? Now that you're deciding to end therapy, is this really enough closure for you?”

 

“No,” Jaebum replies honestly, and Youngjae can't really say that it's an unexpected answer. “Go on a date with me.”

 

“What?”

 

“A date. And then I think I’ll finally be able to reach my version of closure on all of this.”

 

“...Alright, then.”

 

XVIII

 

“You look good,” Jaebum breathes out, taking in Youngjae’s [ figure ](https://twitter.com/youngjaespic/status/930196618560729088). “The curly hair really suits you.”

 

“Does it?” Youngjae reaches up, pulling on one of the strands. “Bambam went a little wild when I told him it was a date.”

 

“Ah, I'll have to thank him somehow.”

 

“You could, if you stayed.”

 

“Who said I was leaving?”

 

“It’s evident in your eyes.”

 

XIX

 

“Can I kiss you?” Jaebum asks randomly, when they're sitting at some random bench, cups of hot coffee held in their hands.

 

“You might regret it,” Youngjae says, but doesn't move away as Jaebum wraps an arm around his waist. “We both might regret it.”

 

“That’s okay.” Jaebum leans down, pressing a timid kiss against Youngjae’s lips. There’s no bloodshed or tears, no monsters clawing at his heart or aching deep in his soul. It's just a kiss, comforting and warm and Jaebum presses into Youngjae’s mouth a bit more firmly, trying to ingrain this feeling into the very fiber of his bones. They kiss until they’re both in desperate need of air, and pull away just enough to knock their foreheads together.

 

“Thank you.”

 

XX

 

“So this is goodbye.”

 

“It doesn't have to be.”

 

“No?”

 

“Think of it as a _I’ll see you again_ type of situation.”

 

“You're not running away?” Youngjae accuses, tone only half joking.

 

“I’m not running away,” Jaebum reassures, and it's him who smiles first this time— small, but genuine nonetheless. "I love you.”

 

Youngjae’s eyes widen, before letting out a huff of laughter and smiling back fondly, “I love you too.”

  
And, with their unspoken promise hanging in the air, Jaebum leaves.

**Author's Note:**

> I am aware that this story has a lot of gaps and may seem kind of vague, but that's just the writing style I was going for. If you have any questions about the storyline, then feel free to leave a comment and I'll answer you!!
> 
> \+ feel free to hmu on [twitter](https://twitter.com/daonviews?s=09) or [tumblr](https://1238-66.tumblr.com)!


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